Friday, 28 April 2017


Monty no longer believes there is anywhere else other than Clifton Hole. He has, he says, reached a state of understanding that all his earlier memories of people and place were a fictitious confection bearing no resemblance to lived reality. Who knows, he says, maybe they were thetans or something.

That’s right, I said. All there ever is or has been is what is here. In the morning we get some dry food. We stay in the house all day. We eat the dry food. I go out at night and get fed and you stay indoors all the time, mainly hiding under the bed like a creep, and at night you also get fed. Sometimes you come to the screen door when I am there and look out and if we see each other we hiss. It is natural and good. Every day is the same.

Yes, says Monty, it is good. And I make sure to create an almighty mess in and around the litter tray, for that is my contribution to the zeitgeist. It’s great to be good at one thing, and to do it constantly and with gusto.

If you say so, I say.

I do, he says.

I can’t remember what it was like before you were here, I say, but I have a strong sense it might have been better. But I really don’t remember, Uncle Monty, and luckily when I use words like ‘before’ I don’t really actually know what they mean. What is before?

It isn’t, says Monty. There is no before or after. There is only this.

Bonzer, I say.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

i wish someone would open the door for him

He keeps saying once he gets out of here he's never coming back. Can't someone open the door for him

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Monty told me an outrageous lie today that he lived once in another place with a garden and a fence. I said, there is one garden and one fence, and they are here. That is how it has always been and will always be.
He said no
I said yes
He said no
I said yes
He said are you saying yes to agree with me or to agree with you
I said all I said was yes and you should stop pretending to have integrity

always eating MY FOOD and standing at MY DOOR

Saturday, 8 April 2017

he's a liar

Monty came out and sat in the doorway this morning and I was on the couch and it didn't seem right. We'd already had an argument in the doorway at 5:36 this morning and as usual I was entirely correct in my objection. He is often to be found eating food which is surely meant for me, and in fact, while I eat my food outside largely because I happen to enjoy dragging it all over the ground, I see that's not good enough for him and his inside food ideas. Anyway he is still under the bed, lord muck

Friday, 7 April 2017


I'm not saying anything about anyone except maybe Monty is the person I'm saying something about but SOMEONE pissed in the kitchen it was like pineapple juice everywhere including on the bag of dry food. It might have been anyone who did it of the three people who are here but as I said to Dave really there's only one recent arrival and no-one's ever pissed in the kitchen before in the history of the world as I know it anyway.

Later Dave called Monty 'Mr Pisser' and I laughed

Monday, 3 April 2017

i go about my important business while someone else is very lazy

He is now under the bed a lot of the time and is even taking his meals there. Is this how Prince Charles lives I think so.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

monty is like king muck

I wish I could live under a bed all day and just sleep and come out every night to eat, and that is it but no I have a job to do.

He also does amazing poo.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

he is under the bed

who would look at monty

One of the main problems with this Monty character is that, while terrifying and needing constant monitoring, he is also a terrible bore. He has nothing to say and he just sits there in my house (with my mice by the way) and does nothing. I think he might have sat in the closed window during the night but when I went to look he just ran back into my house.

Yesterday, I spent much of the day outside but then it got rainy so the lady upstairs let me in and came to look at Monty. It was really annoying considering she could have been looking a little more at me and also, I have a neck problem which means it needs rubbing all the time. But she decided to waste time looking at him. Who would do that?

I had to stay very close to Dave all night in case Monty came to get him. Pretty much a brave act on my part. I hissed once.

Meanwhile, Monty just hangs in my house and does not seem to eat much or use the litter tray either which is a relief. Today we are both in the house together so I think there will be something to report before long.